Is anybody there?

It occurs to me that I am writing this blog and no one is reading it. It almost makes this like a personal diary in a very public place. I guess right out in the open is the best place to hide something. People will do there very best to ignore what's right in front of them.

That being said, I really need to get some stuff off my chest. It is something that continues to bother and depress me. It is an unending sense of loss that haunts me and really makes me question that old adage "it is better to have loved and lost, than to have ever loved at all."

I guess I should give some back story hear. About a year and a half ago, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me. I wasn't very surprised, I guess I had sensed it coming for a while. Regardless, it wasn't something I wanted. I was very deeply in love and started to feel like things were starting to get back on track. I thought we were going to get past all of the rough patches and have another three years of good times. In retrospect, I can see that I was the happy one and she was not. For a while, I felt like the real end was when I decided that I deserved to think of myself as a worthwhile person and show some backbone. I think that scared her and she decided to end it before...I don't know.

So, after three years of dating she broke up with me. We were spending the night together, just another night. She did something rude I confronted her about it, an hour later she broke up with me. Through her tears she promised and had me promise to always remain friends. She convinced me that staying friends, good friends was very important to her. In all honesty, it was very important to me. After three years, you can imagine that she was by all means my best friend. I think I may have wanted to stay friends more than she did. I had/have issues with making very close friends and opening up to people, so it was a big loss to me.

We hung out a couple of times over the next few months, rarely spoke at times other than those few times. In one conversation, she told me she wanted me to confide in her as I had and I responded that I couldn't because that relationship was over. She seemed to not notice that barely speaking for months might put a damper on a relationship. All through this time, I hoped she might change her mind and take me back. I don't know if maybe that is why she didn't communicate with me, but I started to feel rejected. Like maybe she was done with me and only wanted me around when I had something I could offer her. I felt like she had given up on the friendship. A friendship that she swore she wanted and she swore she would work at maintaining--as I couldn't let myself fight for a friendship after fighting for a relationship for three years. I guess, I'm not the type of person that takes no communication as keeping up a friendship.

Eventually, she asked a question she didn't like my answer to and started to blame me for us having a rift between us. A rift that had been there for well before. As time went on we fell further apart, she still never trying to keep up the friendship. When we spoke, I started to feel she always wanted something and never wanted me to discuss what was going on in my life. I became dismissive of what she would say, all I heard was her living vicariously through her friends and her not wanting to know that I was not. Anyway our relationship, essentially resulted in her stressing me out and taxing my patience. This continued til I could take no more and finally ended the friendship.

My life has turned out for the better for the ending of the relationship, the friendship. It is just sad sometimes to deal with losing a close friend, someone you loved. It is worse to think that that person, closed you off without a second thought. I live with both and the remarkable thing is that it doesn't get much better, but I think that maybe that it takes three years to really get over a three year relationship or maybe I'm just bored.

sleep to dream

Sleep the great conqueror of man. We all do it and we do it frequently. Actually, about one third of our lives is spent sleeping. So, I dedicate this post to the great things we do whilst sleeping.
Well not really all of the great things we do. Really just that dream, thing. I'm particularly fond of the half dream. We've all had them. Sometimes they lead to kinda silly, semi-embarrassing stories. So, I'll share a few of mine. I hope you enjoy. Remember, they are the best things.

I think this is a fairly common type of half dream...the fall. I seem to be the clumsiest dreamer. As I start into dreamland, I reach a set of stairs, sometimes upward, sometimes downward. Whichever set it may be, they lead to dreamland, that happy land of full dreams and full sleep. I seem to miss the third step very frequently. Sometimes, I'm talking with friends, sometimes I'm alone, so whether distracted or not, I miss a step and fall. Just to be shocked awake as I bounce from the bed fully tensed. The excitement is intense and I feel bad for anyone in bed with me when it happens. Oops.

Recently, I had the pleasure of dreaming that I was sleeping on a girl's belly. There is always something very intimate and satisfying about the idea of sleeping on a girl's stomach. The skin is usually very soft and the stomach is firm but light. It was a shame to wake from that.